Now there was a difficult relation. When we are little children there are no problems since we simply do what we are told. As soon as we reach the age where we can think something happens and our parents no longer hold total sway over our lives.
I cannot remember with accuracy just when I started seeing my father differently, but the time came when I disagreed with him and many of his point of views. I was not a nice young man and while I did not ‘mouth him off,’ my behavior was rude to him. In a way perhaps, I was throwing off the control he had exerted over my life, but I could have done it in a much more thoughtful way.
It got so we did not talk much and I need say much of it was my fault, stupid thoughtless immature behavior. I say that because at the time of my father’s death our relationship was not a good one. During my life I had felt that he had been hard on me and he was, I felt he was unreasonable and probably he was.
It was when I matured and had a family of my own that my views of him changed very much. I began seeing a man, who had problems like I was having; my problems with my own children made it clear that my father, in his time, had his own personal problems but could not communicate with me his fears, weaknesses, which were only human. The realization made me realize that I had been unkind and thoughtless to my father. He had been hard on me, no doubt about. But it was because of that hardness that I had acquired some survival strengths which were an integral part of my life. Maybe at times he was unreasonable, but at every point he cared about me and what my life would turn out to me. He had made sacrifices, but he was also a man concerned about his own welfare and unsatisfied, often about how his family’s financial state. All of these things I could see clearly when I took on family obligations. My heart nearly broke when I fully realized what a grown up, with a family depending on him, had to face. I am thankful that my father tried so hard for me, in fact for us. Strange how getting older changes our point of view, but that man loved me and I thank God for him.